The Value of a True Friendship
A faithful friend is something beyond price, there is no measuring his worth (Ecclesiasticus 6:15)
We need good friendships like the air we breathe. We know this from common sense, and it is backed by one of the most ambitious research projects ever undertaken, conducted by the prestigious Harvard University1.
This study was originally launched in 1938 with 734 young Bostonians from all social classes; interestingly enough, John F. Kennedy was on the initial panel. Ever since the project began 80 years ago, they have continuously collected data on that wide range of people. Their aim was to identify the variables associated with a well-lived life. The key finding is clear and powerful: The variable that most influences happiness, as well as people’s longevity, is the quality of their family and social relationships.
The study concludes that having meaningful connection with other people is a great stimulator of our mind and emotions, which impacts mood very positively and in turn affects our behavior and somatic conditions. Loneliness, on the other hand, is an emotional predator that steals life and happiness, according to the study.
Considering certain distinctions could increase our ability to build real friendships. For example, the one that differentiates between superficial and true friendships.
The former, are developed in contexts characterized by superficiality, distrust or self-centeredness. Such friendships are based on quid pro quo and a calculated desire to seek personal benefit. It is the logic of “I am friends with those I am interested in” or “I do what feels best for me”.
The latter, true friendships, are different; they’re not based on gaining an advantage or the symmetry of the exchange, but rather on the mutual willingness to do good to the other person even if they are unaware or unable to reciprocate.
This type of friendship comes from an “emotional muscle” known as the capacity to love, and a process of conversations where, out of respect, we talk constructively about the issues relevant to both people. Loving someone who is different, inferior, or thinks differently denotes inner freedom and an inclusive approach: two characteristics of people who surely end up enjoying many true friendships.
A sincere and constructive conversation about relevant topics has a magical effect on a relationship. Misunderstandings or disagreements are not banal. When they don’t get talked about, the friendship suffers.
Superficial conversation begets superficial friendships. This happens when a person projects a false image or avoids being vulnerable.
From a rational point of view, asymmetries of any kind (intellectual, psychological, perceptual, educational, social, cultural, economic, etc.) jeopardize the possibility of a friendship based on reciprocity; The lack of reciprocity makes the convergence of interests difficult, and misaligned interests dilute friendships over time. That spiral is both real and painful.
Can an honest friendship develop, and endure over time, between people with significant asymmetries or differences? From a logical point of view, the answer would be no. Fortunately there is an exception: “There are no problems that love cannot solve.”
One of the greatest expressions of love between people is to build a true friendship. Even in cases where asymmetries seem to mean that for one of the people the friendship is destined to be altruistic or undeserved.
Such a friendship is a gift that requires a generous heart in the one who gives, knowing that the other party cannot reciprocate; and in the one who receives, since the latter has nothing to reciprocate with, although they wish they did. Friendship in these cases is a special gift to cherish.
As human beings, we are made for this gift. The essence of a healthy brain is goodness. That is why we cannot do without the gratuitousness of true friendships in professional arenas.
True friendship is a gift that has been bestowed upon me over the years, which I intend to pay forward as a heartfelt gift for as long as I shall live.
May we understand how to make magnanimity and respect overcome differences and the quid pro quo with which human relations are too often governed.
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[1] Harvard Study of Adult Development currently led by Dr. Robert Waldinger. See the interesting video on Ted.com of Dr. Waldinger talking about the project.
